So hard to say goodbye

WARNING - this entry may cause feelings of emotion or nausea.

Tonight is the night of our big family leaving bash. It's bizarre as I'm not really in the mood to celebrate. It's funny how this is all so bittersweet. I mean, I am really excited and buzzing about going away but at the same time i feel so down as I'm leaving my loved ones behind. I know it's only a temporary thing for most of them but I've also had to say goodbye to people i really really care about and I'm worried that i might never see them again. Not because they or myself are dying or anything too serious but..........well, for example, i know that a few of the people i work with are not going to be there when i get back. These are people i have become very close to and although i am fully aware that i can email them or chat through Facebook, it won't be the same. Saying Goodbye has suddenly become so hard. So definite. I have started to countdown things, something i told myself i wouldn't do. Shit, i even got down this morning when i realised it was going to be the last time i see my sisters dog for a long time!! She did give me those big brown puppy eyes as i left though, almost as if she knew too.

It's all becoming overwhelming as every time i say goodbye i feel a small (sometimes HUGE!) pang in my chest, right next to my heart. A similar sort of thing i felt when my brother died. Not as severe though. I just hope all this stress doesn't have a cumulative affect because i imagine i will explode if it does. Sorry if this is all a bit deep and a bit negative but hey, these are pessimistic ramblings after all.

I know as well though that i am about to embark on an amazing chapter in my life where i will be able to experience a type of freedom i haven't felt since i was a kid. To be able to go and do pretty much whatever i want, and see some pretty cool shit along the way. I have to focus on that too as i think it will help get through saying goodbye a few more times. It's been great having people tell me that i am going to love it and that it's such a great thing to be doing and it does give me a very small high but I'm a guy who focuses on the negatives and some goodbyes have already felt like someone has pulled out my innards and used them as a whip in a sick Indiana Jones impression. The worst thing is, i have to do it all again tonight, YAY!! Cue the Indiana Jones theme tune.....................

I know how hard this is on a lot of people (you know who you are). I feel their pain and heart ache. I'm probably too aware of it. Hey, what can i say, I'm a sensitive guy. I just want them to know that i love them so very VERY much. To also let them know that i want to always be a part of their lives no matter what and that even if they move on and forget about me, they will always be with me. I have a big brain which is mostly full of useless information (like a giraffe has the same amount of neck bones as a human,7 or that the M1 motorway was originally designed to only cope with 14000 cars per day) but i also have a very good memory and i will carry you around with me where ever i go. I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people and i apologise beforehand if i loose track of you, but that doesn't mean i am still not thinking about you, or that i have suddenly stopped loving you.

Don't worry I'm not about to end it all. Although i tend to dwell on the wrong side of the cheerful line, I know that it is only temporary. All i need to do to pick myself back up is the classic "this time next week I'll be in .............." thought. By the way, this time next week I'll be in Japan, Oh yeeeeaaaahhhh!! Ha ha.
I'm really hoping these last few days fly by and that all the remaining preparations occupy my overactive mind. I just want to let you all know that i will miss you terribly and not a day will pass when i won't think of you and smile. I love you all you BAM HEEDS!!

D

xxxx