I see myself as quite a pessimist. You know a glass half empty kinda guy. Well, as i have said in the past, in my case the glass is not just half empty. No, my glass has fallen onto the kitchen floor and shattered, leaving huge shards of glass everywhere and i'm stood in the corner barefoot and desperate for a wee. Sigh. I'm not worried though. Yes, sometimes like us all, i head off into the doldrums and really struggle to see the happiness of anything but other times i feel such euphoria. Maybe i'm a bit of a manic depressive but i feel that generally i make people feel happy. I make myself laugh though that i always see the pessimistic side of situations. This does provide for many good laughs. Shit, some of the most entertaining and funniest people ever have struggled with bouts of depression. I think you have to taste the lows to know the true highs! Fuck, that sounded a bit like a Robbie Williams lyric!! Maybe i should have stuck with how you can't have comedy without tragedy.
It's not all doom and gloom though. I have an amazing family who i love deeply. Yeah, they are all freaks but what family hasn't got it's fair share of previous hard drug addicted, heavy drinking, chain smoking nutters! (Love you mum). Standard upbringing really.................Not! No details needed but wasn't exactly what you would call orthodox. You know you did good when distant relatives come up to you at family parties and tell you that they are amazed how well you have done for yourself, considering. Still, it has moulded me into the fine specimen that stands before you today. I hope i can be seen as a role model for the rest of my family. I am desperately proud of them all already but hope i can somehow show them that there is a way to make the most of the opportunities they have. I guess i kinda lucked out with my siblings. I have never ever had an arguement with any of them. Yes yes, I have at times wanted to murder Ellie, but honestly................haven't we all? (love you baby). No my sibs are cool. We lost my brother a few years back which was the biggest kick to the scrotal zone i hope to ever receive. I couldn't go through that again, but it brought us all a lot closer together. Jodie and me are pretty much inseperable, and i know it's gonna be hard for both of us over the next year or so. I have lived within 2 miles of her for the last 7 years! Except when she first moved down to Farnborough and it took me 6 months to follow her down there, but then i was less than a mile away so it was all good. Ellie and Kes, i love so much. I am so worried for them. They are at that crucial point in their lives where they are so easily influenced by the dark side (the dark side being drink, drugs and prick friends!). Be strong my young Skywalkers. I feel i have neglected them a lot over the past few years but hope that they know they are in my thoughts everyday. I will miss you all so much. Holy crap! It feels like i'm writing a suicide note!! I'm only going travelling!
I'm one of the rare breed that really enjoy their job. Don't get me wrong it's sometimes really really shit. Sometimes literally, but i really enjoy it. Not just because of the type of work but because of the guys i work with. Most are caring and kind, some are just down right crazy but i wouldn't swap them. Unless the alternative had bigger boobs i suppose. It's also been amazing working in hospitals since i was a kid. Not like a 4 year old chimney sweep or anything, but i was relatively young when i embarked on this crazy career path. 19 years old to be exact. I can look back at that slim, full headed, young buck who felt completely lost in this new world and smile. Wow, how different i am now. Fat, bald and old but also much more complete for having all these amazing experiences. Don't get me wrong, working in hospitals for 13 years has been absolute wank at times but in hindsight it's a totally mind blowing thing. Whether you are dealing with death or life i have found that my interactions with people have had a profound effect on them and myself. I remember meeting a guy at a petrol station in Slough at around 1am one random night. He came running up to me all excited. Apparently i had only looked after his wife in labour as a student nurse for about 20 minutes, a year before but he had remembered me and somehow associated me with this massive positive life changing experience he had. Cool or what! I of course had no idea who he was and feared he was trying to rob me. It was 1am and i was in Slough after all!! This showed me though that people really do pay attention to you when they are in stressful, life changing situations. Situations that often occur in hospitals. It's something i always try to explain to my students. I warn them to be really careful with what they say and do and try to make their experience as easy as possible. I usually just go in and take the piss out of everybody, get away with it and make them laugh. Works for me!
I like to think of myself as quite amusing. It usually takes me a while to truly come out of my shell as although i'm generally quite cheeky, i worry that i might offend someone. Unless of course i've had a few beers. Then it seems anyone is a fair target. I suppose i cross the line occasionally. Ok, not just occassionally. Ok ok, i have a frickin timeshare across the line! It's just my sense of humour i guess. I sometimes go off on one of these crazy sureal journeys in my mind and just love being random. I want to say things people haven't heard before. I favour a witty line to a joke. I just can't do jokes. It's not that i don't get them or that i don't find them funny, it's just that there is too much structure to a joke. I've tried writing jokes but i can never get the context right. I should probably end this paragraph with something witty now, but can't. Damn pressure!
I used to be rash and impulsive and i hope i still am in some respects, but as i have aged i have felt more and more decisive and responsible. That said, i still get urges to make a twat of myself and jump off things.
Like all men i am a total gadget fiend. I lust after all the latest shiny shiny toys. Things that claim to make my life more stylish and simple but in reality cost an arm and leg and usually get left on a bus or are replaced by a new shiny shiny toy about 3 months after you've raided your savings. But for those 3 months you are the talk of the pub. The king of the gadget hill. I love that. Yes i'd love to tell you how i admire the astetic beauty and the advancement in technology (which i do) but i mostly just love how you suddenly become someone when you first bring that new iphone to your ear. A total nobody at the office is suddenly a king because he has the latest blu ray playing laptop. It's all short lived might i add as people soon realise that no matter what shiny shiny toy you possess, in reality you are still a tool. Oh well.
Lots of things interest me but i strive to seek out the alternative more often than not. To be a bit of a non conformist. Not too far from the norm though, i wouldn't want to be seen as a complete freak but enough to not fall into line with the rest of the herd. This goes for my music tastes, my career and my general lifestyle. I start to get a bit of an itch when i feel i am in a rut. This has meant stresses and strains for all around me unfortuneately but i hope people see that i have to try new things. Sometimes succesfully, sometimes spectaculary unsuccesfully. I can however, always rest assured that i at least gave it ago. I have this horrible image of me on my death bed suddenly saying "DOH!" as i realise i wasted my life. I don't want that.
So, this a little snippet into my head and how it feels to be me. Sorry. I just woke up this morning and felt i needed to painfully describe myself through the medium of blog. I imagine i will fill this blog with more randomness as i head off on my travels. Hope to see you here often.
D
xxxx
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