So hard to say goodbye

WARNING - this entry may cause feelings of emotion or nausea.

Tonight is the night of our big family leaving bash. It's bizarre as I'm not really in the mood to celebrate. It's funny how this is all so bittersweet. I mean, I am really excited and buzzing about going away but at the same time i feel so down as I'm leaving my loved ones behind. I know it's only a temporary thing for most of them but I've also had to say goodbye to people i really really care about and I'm worried that i might never see them again. Not because they or myself are dying or anything too serious but..........well, for example, i know that a few of the people i work with are not going to be there when i get back. These are people i have become very close to and although i am fully aware that i can email them or chat through Facebook, it won't be the same. Saying Goodbye has suddenly become so hard. So definite. I have started to countdown things, something i told myself i wouldn't do. Shit, i even got down this morning when i realised it was going to be the last time i see my sisters dog for a long time!! She did give me those big brown puppy eyes as i left though, almost as if she knew too.

It's all becoming overwhelming as every time i say goodbye i feel a small (sometimes HUGE!) pang in my chest, right next to my heart. A similar sort of thing i felt when my brother died. Not as severe though. I just hope all this stress doesn't have a cumulative affect because i imagine i will explode if it does. Sorry if this is all a bit deep and a bit negative but hey, these are pessimistic ramblings after all.

I know as well though that i am about to embark on an amazing chapter in my life where i will be able to experience a type of freedom i haven't felt since i was a kid. To be able to go and do pretty much whatever i want, and see some pretty cool shit along the way. I have to focus on that too as i think it will help get through saying goodbye a few more times. It's been great having people tell me that i am going to love it and that it's such a great thing to be doing and it does give me a very small high but I'm a guy who focuses on the negatives and some goodbyes have already felt like someone has pulled out my innards and used them as a whip in a sick Indiana Jones impression. The worst thing is, i have to do it all again tonight, YAY!! Cue the Indiana Jones theme tune.....................

I know how hard this is on a lot of people (you know who you are). I feel their pain and heart ache. I'm probably too aware of it. Hey, what can i say, I'm a sensitive guy. I just want them to know that i love them so very VERY much. To also let them know that i want to always be a part of their lives no matter what and that even if they move on and forget about me, they will always be with me. I have a big brain which is mostly full of useless information (like a giraffe has the same amount of neck bones as a human,7 or that the M1 motorway was originally designed to only cope with 14000 cars per day) but i also have a very good memory and i will carry you around with me where ever i go. I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people and i apologise beforehand if i loose track of you, but that doesn't mean i am still not thinking about you, or that i have suddenly stopped loving you.

Don't worry I'm not about to end it all. Although i tend to dwell on the wrong side of the cheerful line, I know that it is only temporary. All i need to do to pick myself back up is the classic "this time next week I'll be in .............." thought. By the way, this time next week I'll be in Japan, Oh yeeeeaaaahhhh!! Ha ha.
I'm really hoping these last few days fly by and that all the remaining preparations occupy my overactive mind. I just want to let you all know that i will miss you terribly and not a day will pass when i won't think of you and smile. I love you all you BAM HEEDS!!

D

xxxx

Boozing it up in Borovets, oh and some skiing too

Just had an awesome few days in Bulgaria. For those of you who don't know, my best mate Ian (Lewis, Lewy, Mr calamity) has an apartment in the ski resort of Borovets in Bulgaria. I've been out there a few times over the last few years but this was going to be the last time for a while to get out there. We both met up with Matt, who is an old friend of Lewys from uni and someone i had skied with the first time i went to Borovets. Matt had also taken a crowd of 6 nurses out there with him (the player!). They were a nice bunch with varying skiing ability. Put it this way, they were better drinkers than they were skiers! They were nurses after all!

The first day was awesome as the 3 boys skied near enough the whole resort looking for good spots and figuring out where all the decent snow was. Borovets hadn't had a good dump (of snow) for a while and it was patchy in places. The second day was pretty much spent aching. Both muscles and heads after a very large drinking session and about an hours sleep plus the usual pole dancing related injuries. Not too sure who the dude with the microphone is in this pic! We did make it out for a few runs but it wasn't good. Highlight of the second day was Lewis losing the contents of his stomach behind the restaurant we had lunch in. Ha ha.

Day 3 was by far the best day. We had found an awesome spot over by a run we affectionately call "Darrells dummy run." It was a run that i particularly struggled on a few years back and ended up "spitting my dummy out" and hurling my skis to the bottom of the run, cursing every flake of snow on the run as i went! That was a long time ago and i am a far more accomplished skier now, i hope. The area we found was off piste and had a series of mounds, rollers and jumps which we all hit. Apart from a few tucks, boot grabs and star jumps i pretty much stacked it a lot. The previous days skiing and the fact that i am out of shape took it's toll. Got some good footage of us which can be seen on my facebook page.

In all, it was a great pre-travelling break and apart from a rather hideous hangover after the first night i had lots of fun. Borovets isn't quite as small and as cheap as it once was and it was a shame that a few of the runs were closed or very icy. We lucked out with the weather and Matts goggle tan is definitely one to behold! It was great company though so it didn't matter to me that i spent a lot of time flying through the air and landing on my face! I had intended to take it easy as i didn't really want to break myself before i go skiing again in Japan in a few weeks, but couldn't resist the exhilaration of hurtling down mountain on a few bits of wood. Ah, total bliss.

So, i'm home now and have some pretty impressive bruises but the sense of achievement from hitting some big jumps and riding away clean far outweighs the aches and pains. Something i'm going to have to remember for the next time. Well, i have a busy few weeks ahead of me as it's not long before my big adventure begins. Hopefully if i get a quiet moment i can add to this blog. I find it very therapeutic.

So, until the next time...................

D

xxxx

Oops, was supposed to describe myself first apparently...

I see myself as quite a pessimist. You know a glass half empty kinda guy. Well, as i have said in the past, in my case the glass is not just half empty. No, my glass has fallen onto the kitchen floor and shattered, leaving huge shards of glass everywhere and i'm stood in the corner barefoot and desperate for a wee. Sigh. I'm not worried though. Yes, sometimes like us all, i head off into the doldrums and really struggle to see the happiness of anything but other times i feel such euphoria. Maybe i'm a bit of a manic depressive but i feel that generally i make people feel happy. I make myself laugh though that i always see the pessimistic side of situations. This does provide for many good laughs. Shit, some of the most entertaining and funniest people ever have struggled with bouts of depression. I think you have to taste the lows to know the true highs! Fuck, that sounded a bit like a Robbie Williams lyric!! Maybe i should have stuck with how you can't have comedy without tragedy.

It's not all doom and gloom though. I have an amazing family who i love deeply. Yeah, they are all freaks but what family hasn't got it's fair share of previous hard drug addicted, heavy drinking, chain smoking nutters! (Love you mum). Standard upbringing really.................Not! No details needed but wasn't exactly what you would call orthodox. You know you did good when distant relatives come up to you at family parties and tell you that they are amazed how well you have done for yourself, considering. Still, it has moulded me into the fine specimen that stands before you today. I hope i can be seen as a role model for the rest of my family. I am desperately proud of them all already but hope i can somehow show them that there is a way to make the most of the opportunities they have. I guess i kinda lucked out with my siblings. I have never ever had an arguement with any of them. Yes yes, I have at times wanted to murder Ellie, but honestly................haven't we all? (love you baby). No my sibs are cool. We lost my brother a few years back which was the biggest kick to the scrotal zone i hope to ever receive. I couldn't go through that again, but it brought us all a lot closer together. Jodie and me are pretty much inseperable, and i know it's gonna be hard for both of us over the next year or so. I have lived within 2 miles of her for the last 7 years! Except when she first moved down to Farnborough and it took me 6 months to follow her down there, but then i was less than a mile away so it was all good. Ellie and Kes, i love so much. I am so worried for them. They are at that crucial point in their lives where they are so easily influenced by the dark side (the dark side being drink, drugs and prick friends!). Be strong my young Skywalkers. I feel i have neglected them a lot over the past few years but hope that they know they are in my thoughts everyday. I will miss you all so much. Holy crap! It feels like i'm writing a suicide note!! I'm only going travelling!

I'm one of the rare breed that really enjoy their job. Don't get me wrong it's sometimes really really shit. Sometimes literally, but i really enjoy it. Not just because of the type of work but because of the guys i work with. Most are caring and kind, some are just down right crazy but i wouldn't swap them. Unless the alternative had bigger boobs i suppose. It's also been amazing working in hospitals since i was a kid. Not like a 4 year old chimney sweep or anything, but i was relatively young when i embarked on this crazy career path. 19 years old to be exact. I can look back at that slim, full headed, young buck who felt completely lost in this new world and smile. Wow, how different i am now. Fat, bald and old but also much more complete for having all these amazing experiences. Don't get me wrong, working in hospitals for 13 years has been absolute wank at times but in hindsight it's a totally mind blowing thing. Whether you are dealing with death or life i have found that my interactions with people have had a profound effect on them and myself. I remember meeting a guy at a petrol station in Slough at around 1am one random night. He came running up to me all excited. Apparently i had only looked after his wife in labour as a student nurse for about 20 minutes, a year before but he had remembered me and somehow associated me with this massive positive life changing experience he had. Cool or what! I of course had no idea who he was and feared he was trying to rob me. It was 1am and i was in Slough after all!! This showed me though that people really do pay attention to you when they are in stressful, life changing situations. Situations that often occur in hospitals. It's something i always try to explain to my students. I warn them to be really careful with what they say and do and try to make their experience as easy as possible. I usually just go in and take the piss out of everybody, get away with it and make them laugh. Works for me!

I like to think of myself as quite amusing. It usually takes me a while to truly come out of my shell as although i'm generally quite cheeky, i worry that i might offend someone. Unless of course i've had a few beers. Then it seems anyone is a fair target. I suppose i cross the line occasionally. Ok, not just occassionally. Ok ok, i have a frickin timeshare across the line! It's just my sense of humour i guess. I sometimes go off on one of these crazy sureal journeys in my mind and just love being random. I want to say things people haven't heard before. I favour a witty line to a joke. I just can't do jokes. It's not that i don't get them or that i don't find them funny, it's just that there is too much structure to a joke. I've tried writing jokes but i can never get the context right. I should probably end this paragraph with something witty now, but can't. Damn pressure!

I used to be rash and impulsive and i hope i still am in some respects, but as i have aged i have felt more and more decisive and responsible. That said, i still get urges to make a twat of myself and jump off things.

Like all men i am a total gadget fiend. I lust after all the latest shiny shiny toys. Things that claim to make my life more stylish and simple but in reality cost an arm and leg and usually get left on a bus or are replaced by a new shiny shiny toy about 3 months after you've raided your savings. But for those 3 months you are the talk of the pub. The king of the gadget hill. I love that. Yes i'd love to tell you how i admire the astetic beauty and the advancement in technology (which i do) but i mostly just love how you suddenly become someone when you first bring that new iphone to your ear. A total nobody at the office is suddenly a king because he has the latest blu ray playing laptop. It's all short lived might i add as people soon realise that no matter what shiny shiny toy you possess, in reality you are still a tool. Oh well.

Lots of things interest me but i strive to seek out the alternative more often than not. To be a bit of a non conformist. Not too far from the norm though, i wouldn't want to be seen as a complete freak but enough to not fall into line with the rest of the herd. This goes for my music tastes, my career and my general lifestyle. I start to get a bit of an itch when i feel i am in a rut. This has meant stresses and strains for all around me unfortuneately but i hope people see that i have to try new things. Sometimes succesfully, sometimes spectaculary unsuccesfully. I can however, always rest assured that i at least gave it ago. I have this horrible image of me on my death bed suddenly saying "DOH!" as i realise i wasted my life. I don't want that.

So, this a little snippet into my head and how it feels to be me. Sorry. I just woke up this morning and felt i needed to painfully describe myself through the medium of blog. I imagine i will fill this blog with more randomness as i head off on my travels. Hope to see you here often.

D
xxxx

So, here we are...........

Hello cyberspace. I often think of cyberspace as the massive area of virtual emptiness that Gary and Wyatt have to fill with information in the "Weird science" film. They of course fill it with the smoking hot image of Kelly le Brock. I'll probably go for something a little different and it is very unlikely to have boobies, maybe.

This is hopefully the first of many posts over the next X amount of years as i hope to chronicle my travelling experiences (which technically start tomorrow). It seems that some of the funniest and interesting things have happened to me whilst i have been away from home which probably means that now i have strarted a blog, my life will become tedious and boring. Typical.

Ok, so i should start by outlining my plans over the next few years. As i mentioned, it all starts tomorrow with a pre big-travels-to-New-Zealand-for-a-year skiing trip to Borovets in Bulgaria. 4 days of hopefully glorious skiing and hucking (jumping) of things. Although I am thinking of being a little cautious as i don't really want to start my travels in a cast. Going with my BFF Lewy and meeting Mr Brindley and a few of his friends out there. Should be a giggle but I am mostly looking forward to getting back on my skis again. It's been 8 months since i last really used them out in Canada and apart from a few travels to indoor ski slopes they've just sat in the shed. It seems my ski boots have had more adventure than i have since i bought them in Banff. Especially since i left them on a bus, then someone (who shall remain nameless) found them and decided to try and sell them, but decided to send them back to me after some intervention from a mutual friend. (thanks G)

The "REAL" travelling starts on the 3rd of Feb. When Kate and I head off to the land of the rising sun. We have a weeks stopover in Japan enroute to NZ. We arrive in Tokyo, via Munich and head straight onto the the bullet train out to Nagano for a bit more skiing at the Shiga Kogen resort. We are there for a few days then head back to Tokyo to spend some time in the city. We're really excited as have wanted to go to Japan for years.

We arrive in Auckland, via Christchurch on the 11th of Feb. We have rented an apartment for 10 days which should give us plenty of time to settle in, get our selves sorted and look for a Biff. Oh, i should explain that a Biff is what Kate and i have decided to call our campervan. When we have purchased our little Biff we are then heading up to Whangerai to hook up with Derby Danny and Catherine, our old friends from Uni. Not sure how long we plan to stay up there but it will have nothing to do with the fact that Danny just happens to be a Mechanic. After seeing the guys we are going to take a gentle meander down to our home for the winter season (May - Oct), Queenstown. We hope to settle here, get work and rent a place for around 6 months. I imagine we will ski our little arses off for the season as well as partaking in some of the other local activities available. We then head back onto the road and head back to Danny and Catherines taking in all that the country has to offer.

We are a bit sketchy after that. I think it'll depend a lot on how our money situation is looking. After all, i still have 6 months off after we finish in NZ and we are already a long way from home so it may be a good opportunity to check out places like Australia, Fiji and the pacific rim. A lot will also depend on whether Kate will still be talking to me after a whole year of being in each others pocket and having to put up with my flatulence.

As you can imagine we are super psyched about going. We have been through so much turbulence this last year or two and are just looking forward to a hassle free, non stressful, peaceful but exciting and new era in our lives. NZ, here we come!!

I'm also psyched about my new ability to take photos. Well, i've always had that ability, it's not something that i lost and has mysteriously grown back. It's just so nice to have a decent camera again. I intend to spend the next few weeks before we go getting my head around the million and one settings it has so i then post pics and further bore the arses of you or make you supremely jealous. I have posted a few random pics i have taken so far (the swan, a watering can and my mums dog Georgie).

Anyway, this is a crazy long post for my first effort and for those of you who have bothered to read this i hope you will dip in often to catch up on where i am in the world and see what i have been upto on my adventures. Until next time...................

Peace