Epilogue - part one

Well, helloooooooo there blog followers!!

Sorry about the seemingly camp introduction to this blog entry but i guess if you read the first sentence in a gruff voice, it sounds OK. So, i have been back in the UK for around six months now and thought i had better update the old status. Since arriving back, life has had its fair share of ups and downs. The ups have all been friend and family related and the downs have mostly been work related. I am still struggling my way through work but it sometimes seems there is a huge chasm in my knowledge of all the crazy high risk, life threatening chaos that i endure on what seems to be a daily basis. The first few months back at work were awesome. I hit the ground running and slotted straight back into doing one of the things i think i do best which is supporting women in labour. I had some amazing experiences which only went on to reinforce the fact that i believe midwifery is my calling. I had some amazing births, enlightened my colleagues and influenced their practise for the good. I knew it was very much a honeymoon period though and suspected it was the calm before the storm. Little did i knew it was a storm of Hurricane Katrina like proportions.

I won't stress you with all the gory details but imagine your worst ever day at work, then multiply it by a thousand, stir in some sleep deprivation and sprinkle with a tablespoon of the worst luck you could possibly have and you might get a rough idea of just how shit the whole 6 weeks (yes, 6 weeks!!) of the end of August/whole of September was for me.

I think i totally jinxed myself though. I knew that the honeymoon period would be over soon so i applied for a few jobs at local hospitals in preparation. I got offered posts and actually accepted a job at the nearest hospital to me, Frimley Park. I then had a bit of a bad week at work but felt unbelievably supported by my colleagues and after much reflection and thought decided to actually stay loyal to the only ever maternity unit i have worked at and stay. Since making that choice though work has been relentless!! I have managed to fluke my way through 3 years of nurse training, 18 months of midwifery training and 8 years of midwifery practice where it was always deemed "quiet." Never too manic, always fairly chilled and relaxed. Yes the odd busy day here and there but that's the nature of my work. You are either fairly busy or fairly quiet. The days were you are at a constant are probably more rare. Well, since my decision to stay at Queen Charlottes Hospital, it has gone completely mental!! Something i have never seen before and naturally struggled to deal with. My 90 minute commute to and from work had been a breeze up until then but suddenly seemed a massive encumbrance at the beginning and end of my 13 hour shifts. At times it seemed like as soon as i got home after a long day and my head hit the pillow, my alarm would go off and i had to do it all again. I was exhausted, which meant my days off were spent lounging around not wanting to move too far from the couch. It frustrated me, especially since i had just spent the previous 15 months being so active and enthusiastic with a real thirst for life. Now i just wanted the days to pass until i could spend the day in bed. I was lucky enough to recognise this though and realign my priorities. I started planning. I find planning an amazing way of obviously giving yourself something to look forward to, some goals, some ambition.

I changed my diet. I planned an exercise regime. I started trying to get out there a bit more. Not just outside, but out there more socially. It worked as well as up until now i have lost over 30 pounds in weight and for a time felt re energised and rejuvenated. Work it seems though, is the exact anti remedy to feeling upbeat. The relentless grind of 15 hour days on my feet, stressed out of my head soon crept up and the last fortnight have been a real struggle. The exercise regime has ceased, the healthy foods long gone and the feeling of life has eeked away. Every morning is a struggle to hoist myself out of bed and drag my sorry hide into work. But there is light at the end of this gloomy tunnel.

Firstly, my sisters wedding in Florida next week. I have been counting down the shifts until i have my nearly 3 week break. Amazingly after 15 months away travelling, i almost see 2 weeks in Florida as like a weekend away. It will be the lightest weight i have been in America since i was 14! That might not sound like a big deal but bear in mind that nearly all the clothes i posses have been purchased there and you get some idea of how i excited i am the be going. I love the laid back fashion of the 4 S's, as i call them (Skiing, Skateboarding, Surfing and Snowboarding) and of course America has so many shops where i can find such attire. In the past i have relished the fact that America has quite an obesity problem so all the shops stocked large sizes which suited my ample build. Now though, as i sit here in my medium sized t-shirt with something close to resembling a waistline, i can go for a few more of the trendier styles. Don't get me wrong, you will never see me in a pair of skinny jeans and a huge baseball cap but i no longer have to hide my tubby girth under a huge hoodie.

So Florida will be off the chain. I then have 2 skiing trips in January to look forward too. Both have given me a focus to get myself back into my fitness regime as from personal experience, skiing is a lot easier when you have a modicum of fitness. I'm super psyched to be getting back on the snow too.

But the biggy is that i might be potentially heading back to NZ!! One of the factors in making my decision to stay at Queen Charlottes was the money. Now, i know i will never be a millionaire working as a midwife but if i do decide to head back it will be nice if we can get our savings back into the respectable shape they were in before we embarked on our travels. We are not too far from that and the extra money i make from working in London will help us get back to that point a lot quicker. That is if i don't go mad in Florida and spend it all on jeans!! We have sent our details off to an emigration agency who have assessed us and want to meet for a consultation which will be cool. Just to hear what their thoughts are and what advice they can give.

In my eyes its a no brainer going back there. I haven't been THAT happy since i was in my late teens, before the onus of college and a career took me. Yeah, it will be hard saying goodbye to my family but to be honest it hasn't been the same since we got back. My sister has been very occupied with her wedding but we have still managed to stay close and see each other all the time. I have seen more of my sister Kes as she comes down to Hampshire a fair bit and have seen all my Hampshire crowd regularly. My mum has been very distant though which i am really surprised about. I heard from her more while i was away (mainly through this blog, lol) then i have since i got back. Initially it was great but recently it has been none existent. I know relationships are a two way street and can't put all the blame on her but if she only knew the drama i have been through these last few months.........................I guess i don't want to further burden her with my problems as i know she has enough on her plate as it is. I feel my sisters wedding has caused her to distance herself from us and i don't know why. When i got married it brought us all closer together but i know my mum is in a very different situation to back then. She just seems a lot less motivated this time, a fact my sister has picked up on big time. It's a shame really as all we need to do is talk and yet none of us want to, or are too busy doing mundane things. Maybe she will find her way on to my blog again soon and see this post and take the hint, ahem! Or maybe i will just call her. She doesn't do that thing that most mums do and complain that i never call, but maybe she should. Or maybe she should just call us. I think once the wedding is out of the way, and my sister has stopped hounding her for money, passports and what not, she will relax and get back into her old ways. I mean, jeez mum i haven't even had an email from you for ages!! LOL.

So, in summary:
Work = shite
Friends = awesome
Family = room for improvement
Travel = awesome
Life = hopefully on the up

Yeah, we will just have to see what goes down over the next few months. Christmas is gonna be a clincher. It's my favourite time of year, I'll be with my family, I'll be dripping in fresh new American clothes, I'll be excited about skiing in January and hopefully work won't dampen any of that! Fat chance.

Peace Y'all

D

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