Sunday 29 March 2009

Nelson to Franz Josef and shit loads of bugs!

So, drinks in Nelson with my old work mate Debbie went well. So well that Kate didn’t quite feel right until the next afternoon and only after stopping in Murchison for a quick sandwich. I had thought that our night out in Nelson would be a bit of a disaster. I was a little dubious of a few things. Firstly, I wasn’t sure about going to a bar in a car park and secondly, the whole city centre was bereft of human life as we made our way to meet Debbie. It was deadsville. We eventually found the car park that was supposed to have a bar in it and was actually amazed it was there. Not only there, but heaving as well. Quite peculiar to have a kicking bar in the corner of a car park but it sure seemed popular. Went in and met with Debs and it wasn’t long before the beer and wine was flowing and we were catching up. Nelson was a pretty big place and in a way I am sad that we have to wait until later in the year before we head back. The surrounding towns are all quaint and the scenery is dominated by either huge brown hills, huge green hills and tons upon tons of vineyards.

We left Nelson and decided to push through all the way to Westport on the coast. The road from Murchison to Westport is the most photographed route in NZ. It was very easy to see why. Lots of green mountains either side of the road that followed the Buller river. We stopped at the Buller gorge swingbridge. It was amazing really but very scary. It was a bit more technically advanced than a rope swingbridge but as it was all cables and no substantial footing it was like walking along a ladder over the gorge. Kate decided to call it quits before really getting over the gorge. I would have too if not for the billion sandflies trying to eat me. I got bitten 3 times while I was debating going over the bridge! Frickin flies. I left Kate to fend off the bugs and made steady progress over to the other bank. When I got to the middle of the bridge it all became clear why it was called a swingbridge! Even with just me on it, it swayed quite a lot. When I got to the other bank there was a 15-minute walking track but I could still see Kate on the other bank constantly swatting bugs so I decided to head back over. I must have been a bit speedier on the way back because the bridge swayed even more than before. I had to stop at one point, which gave the bridge time to calm down and gave me an opportunity to squeeze of a few snaps. Wow, only $5 to cross the bridge and it was one of the scariest things I have done in a long time, one of the cheapest too I suppose. Got back to Biff and after swatting a few stray bugs that had followed us into the van, we headed off to Westport. The town itself was no more than a very long high street with shops and cafes. The only reason, other than to break up the drive is to go see the seal colony. We got ourselves registered at the holiday park before heading over to see the seals. It was way better than the seals we saw in Wellington as there were lots of them plus there were a lot of new-born pups running around. Oh, and no dead ones this time so happy days!

From Westport we headed down to Greymouth, taking in the pancake rocks and blowholes at Punakaiki. The rocks were quite impressive but the waves weren’t quite large enough to produce the big blowholes that the guidebooks all rave about. Not a complete loss though as I got to hand feed a weka. A weka is a sort of chicken type partridge bird. We have seen a few of them wandering about and when we stopped to get a coffee at Punakaiki there was a weka near the outdoor seating area. I thought it might like a bit of my muffin and before I knew it I had it eating out of my hand and doing little jumps. It was a good muffin though. I am a midwife remember? I know a good muffin when i see one (ahem).

The drive from Westport to Greymouth was pretty good. Some stretches of long straight roads and a few windy bits around the hills. Didn’t mind though as there was awesome coastal scenery around each corner. Passed the usual amount of roadkill. I have noticed that it is probably a hill billies delicatessen over here what with the hundreds of dead possums we have seen by the roadside. Danny gave us a good piece of advice when we left Whangarei. He said don’t drive over dead possums as their sharp teeth and claws can puncture your tyres. I imagine they would also make quite a mess of your alloys as well. I’m amazed that what with all the driving I have done so far that I haven’t run anything over. I did get a little twitchy on the drive to Greymouth where there was a sign saying beware of penguins for the next 10km and Kate joked that she would kill me if I ran one over. I think she was joking but you know how she is when it comes to penguins. So unlike you Smoosh I haven’t ran over any animals yet.
Greymouth was as dull as the name might imply. We literally only did some food shopping and watched the sun set over the beach behind our campsite. We were quite keen to get back on the road the next morning and leave Dullmouth in our dust. We have now made our way over to the Franz Josef glacier. The drive here was cool as we could see the start of the southern Alps mountain range loom in the distance and stopped at a few big lakes too on the way. Franz Josef is a huge glacier that can move up to 5 metres a day and is weird as it comes down the mountains into a big rainforest at the bottom. A rainforest I am currently sitting in typing this blog entry. We have booked a few activities to do to occupy the 3 days we are staying. We are out kayaking tomorrow afternoon on one of the big lakes we passed on the drive in. Should be fun as we have a big double kayak (cos I got fed up with Kate crashing into me in Taupo) and our guides take lots of pictures of us. Hurrah, more pics of me in a stupid helmet and wetsuit looking like a right knob no doubt! The only problem I can foresee is the damn sandflies again. Sandflies are so different from mosquitoes. Whereas mosquitoes wait patiently and then stealthily attack you at night, Sandflies constantly barrage you. They are small enough to not feel them on you but their bites bloody hurt! They seem to hug the ground and then work their way up from your ankles. They are sturdy little fuckers too, sometimes needing 2 or 3 swats to finish them off. I am already constantly smothered in odd smelling insect repellent, sleep with a plug in bug deterrent and always seem to have a fly swat in my hand. As I have been writing this I have swatted approximately 9 sandflies. The lady at the kayak place reminded us to cover up tomorrow and remember our insect repellent. Oh deep joy. Still, it beats working. Talking of which, we finally obtained our IRD numbers (the NZ equivalent to our National Insurance numbers). It only took 3 weeks to get through to them! It does mean we can now legally work though.

On Tuesday we have a guided walk on the glacier, which I’m super psyched about. Looks like a tiring day but well worth it. Can’t wait to tell you all about it. Right, where’s my fly swat? FEEL MY WRATH YOU LITTLE WINGED BASTARDS!!!

Peace (except to sandflies)


D

XXXX

Thursday 26 March 2009

South Island



So we are no longer in the North Island. The crossing on the Interislander ferry was pretty uneventful except for one thing, which I will come to later. The weather was no different than the previous few days which meant the seas were pretty rough in places. Even on the huge ferry we bucked and swayed. I was kinda hoping I’d get to see a few people loose their lunches but I guess they must’ve all been hiding up on deck or had taken their motion sickness medication. The one amazing thing we did see was a huge pod of about 200-300 dolphins! I was engrossed in my book (the final part of the Stephenie Meyer vampire series) with my ipod on (listening to Fast Freddy’s Drop, if anyone is interested) when there seemed to be some sort of ruckus at the bow of the boat. I hadn’t heard the captain announce that there was a larger pod of dolphins on the starboard bow. People were suddenly all jumping up and waving people over to the huge glass window, so we headed over too. It was abso-frickin-lutely awesome! So many dolphins all porpoising through the rough seas in front of the ship. I ran back to my seat, grabbed my camera and sprinted to the back of the boat. As I got to the stern I noticed a few dolphins straggling behind but could only just about make out the big pod off in the distance. I squeezed off a few pics but there wasn’t anything worth keeping. I stood and watched as the pod dissolved off into the distance thinking what an awe inspiring sight I had just seen whilst people walked past me muttering that they had never seen such a big pod of dolphins. I wondered if they were all chasing a big shoal of fish. Or had finally decided to make a co-ordinated attack on our world, like in that episode of the Simpsons.

As we entered the Queen Charlottes sound, (yes, that’s really what it is called, and given the chance I’d much rather work at this Queen Charlottes!) the weather suddenly changed for the better and by the time we moored up in Picton it was blue skies and warm temperatures all round. We wasted no time at all in getting to our campsite, getting changed into shorts and heading back into town. Picton is beautiful. It’s nestled at the end of the Queen Charlottes sound with big green mountains on either side. It’s a small place with a population of 4000 and just a small high street with a few bars and some restaurants. It didn’t take us long to find somewhere to stop for lunch. We sat out in the sun with our cold alcoholic beverages and relaxed. We then went for a game of mini golf which was fun but we also got eaten alive by the tiny black midges they have here. We spent the rest of the evening itching, scratching and stinking of cat wee as the bite cream we use has high levels of ammonia. Nice.

During the night, probably due to alcoholic beverages, I had to go for a wee. On my way back to Biff I stopped to check the sky and it took my breath away. It was such a clear night I’m pretty sure I could see just about every star there is. Found Orions belt and wondered if I could see up his skirt as I’m now on the underside of the world and technically upside down. Not being an astronomy expert I couldn’t remember which way round he was in the Northern Hemisphere anyway. While I stood in the darkness debating which way up Orion was I heard a small meow from beside me. I looked down and saw a little black cat. I asked it what it wanted but it didn’t reply, so I just gave it a little stroke and walked back to Biff. The little cat followed loyally behind me all the way back and when I got inside, the little cat looked like it was just about to hop in with me. I debated whether it was a stray, as they have a big problem in parts of NZ with stray or feral cats, and if we could keep it as a pet. Sense got the better of me and I shooed it away. I lay in bed thinking about how cute that the little cat was and how sweet it had been to follow me, but then remembered that I stank of cat wee and it probably had a lot to do with that!

The next day we had intended to hire some kayaks and explore the Queen Charlotte sound but after a substantial lay in, a late brunch, checking emails and us being really slow in getting dressed, we had left it too late. So we decided to have a few more alcoholic beverages and sit in the sun again. Not a bad way to while away a Wednesday, I suppose. I could get used to this not working malarkey. Maybe I’ll go on benefits when I come home!?

We had planned to head straight to Murchison but after a bit of deliberation we are now in Nelson. I have made plans to meet up with Debbie (Kiwi) who I used to work with and we are supposed to be going out tonight, no doubt for some more alcoholic beverages. Nelson looks awesome and I’m a little gutted that we have only allowed one day here but we plan to come back later in the year when it’s less hazardous (long story, sigh). So, we will still head down to Murchison tomorrow but might carry on through to Westport which is back onto the West Coast again. I love the West Coast because they get all the cool sunsets. Just wrote a postcard to my Nan, as I’m not sure she will be reading this. Man, I only wrote a few lines before I got bloody cramp in my wrist! Guess I haven’t really written anything down in nearly 2 months! Whoa, that is bizarre. I usually have wrists of steel, what with all the..........er. Chat soon.

Peace

D

xxxx

Sunday 22 March 2009

Flight of the Conchords!!

So greetings from the capital of New Zealand. We have been here in Wellington for 5 days now. Wellington is a pretty cool little city. It reminds me of a sort of cross between Vancouver and San Francisco. The city is in a huge natural harbour surrounded by green mountains (which is why it reminds me of Vancouver). The harbour front and CBD (central business district – They are all called CBD’s here instead of Downtown) are all on land reclaimed from the sea so relatively flat and boring but the rest of the city is on steep hills. The roads and houses all seem impossibly perched on hills, all looking like they are about to slide away into the sea (which reminds me of San Fran). The city is small and easy to get around in. The shopping here is way better than Auckland too as everything is so centrally located as opposed to Aucklands massive urban sprawl. There seems to be a more vibrant ‘alternative’ culture here. We strolled down Cuba Street and I was amazed at how many indie record and hippy chick type stores there were. I liked it a lot. There were loads of skater types and tons of tattoo parlours but I managed to dissuade myself from getting inked, this time. I also noticed Wellington has a lot of attractive people here. It’s kinda like Raglan (that cool surf town we went to a few weeks back) but on grander scale. Either that or my hormones are playing havoc because the sun is out! We have been staying outside the city in a little town called Seaview near Hutt city. The campsite is fairly ordinary except for the excessive amount of ducks that seem to wander around Biff without a care in the world. Not too much to say about the locals except I have never seen so many mullet hair cuts! It’s like a damn Billy Ray Cyrus convention! I guess that says a lot really (plays intro to duelling banjos on his guitar).

I only have a few problems with Wellington. It seems that graffiti is a popular thing here. I don’t really mind generally when it is done properly but hate when things are just tagged with a small scrawl which is what I have seen a lot of. Whereas Auckland seemed so clean and business like, Wellington seems a little grungy and alternative, but hey, that’s one of the reasons I think I prefer it.

They have big yellow buses here that run from electric overhead cables. Now, I’m sure that is better for the environment but it obscures everything. It’s not like in Chicago where the overhead railway system seems to add to the citys character without obscuring the sheer beauty of the place. Here, unsightly electric cables are everywhere, which reminds me of Japan. It’s a shame but I guess I should be happy that they are concerned more with the environment and providing a future for ensuing generations, blah blah blah.

I got to Wellington with only one thing on my mind to begin with. When we were in New Plymouth a few weeks ago, we noticed in a local paper that there was a charity fundraising tennis event in Wellington and that the Flight of the Conchords were going to be involved in it. For those of you not familiar with the Conchords, they are a New Zealand comedy duo that plays folk music. Now, that doesn’t sound very funny but these guys have won the prestigious Perrier award at the Edinburgh comedy festival, had a successful show on BBC radio, have a hit HBO TV series in the states and are comedy geniuses in my eyes. I first encountered them by accident on my air NZ flight back to the UK from LA. I watched the first episode and laughed my arse off. When we got settled at home BBC3 decided to show that first series, which I became a big fan of. They are bloody huge here as you can imagine. Well, when we got to Wellington we found out where the tennis club was that the event was taking place in and I dragged Kate up this huge hill to see if there were any tickets for sale. The guy there told us that there weren’t as it was only a fun event so just rock up when it started. We then went back down the huge hill and got a bit of lunch before traipsing back up the huge hill to watch the tennis.

It was awesome! We overheard what court the Conchords were going to be on and got ourselves settled in the stands. Oddly, there weren’t a lot of spectators but there were a few film crews. Then before we knew it there they were just a few feet from us. I have never really been star struck before so just sat there giggling and taking pictures. We sat and watched them play tennis with these great big comedy racquets laughing at how ridiculous it all was. I got some great pictures and before we knew it the game was over and the Conchords were well and truly whooped by two dudes wearing sombreros. I resisted the urge to have a picture with them as I didn’t want to appear needy or like Mel (the Conchords only fan and stalker from their TV show). Kate was feeling the effects of sitting out in direct sunlight for an hour so we decided to call it a day. I skipped out of the tennis club on a high, probably annoying Kate with my hyperactivity.
The next day I was still in awe from the previous days exploits. We headed back into the city to do the more touristy things that Wellington offers. We also heard that there was a dragon boat festival at Queens quay so we headed over and caught one of the races. I hadn’t realised that you don’t have to be slim or even fit to be in a dragon boat crew. There were quite a few chunky rowers. Along with everything dragon boat related possible there was some stalls set up selling food and oddly a stage with little kids performing Irish dancing to ‘diddly diddly’ music – sort of like a poor mans version of Riverdance. Diet Riverdance. We then wandered over to the old red cable car for a ride up one of the many steep hills to the botanical gardens. We stopped for a few photos then walked all the way back down to the harbourside to visit Te Papa, which is a big museum. Te Papa means "our place" in Maori and it was great wandering around the free exhibits outlining the history of NZ and the Maori culture.

The next few days were very much governed by the drastic change in the weather. It has turned proper shit! Wind, rain and a big drop in temperature have meant we have become a little less motivated to be venturing out. We did go to a see a seal colony at Sinclairs head though. We drove Biff down to a remote beach outside of the city, parked up then walked 8km along wind swept beaches to see the seals. It wasn’t a total disaster because we needed the exercise but we only saw 6 seals, and one of them was dead! Apparently, it’s not the right season for the seals to be there but the ones we saw, especially the dead one, let you get pretty close to them before they started getting a bit vexed.

The rest of the time we’ve been here has been spent in Biff reading Stephenie Meyer books, watching DVDs or going on little shopping trips to try various creams and lotions to combat my eczema, which has suddenly reappeared. I’m glad that we cross to the south island tomorrow. I just hope the weather sorts itself a bit first. The Cook strait (the piece of water between the two islands) is notoriously rough at the best of times as the Abel Tasman sea collides with the mighty pacific, but I’m not sure even an old salty seadog such as myself will be able to keep his lunch down if the waves get up. Hmmm, maybe I’ll skip eating. I’ll keep you informed on how we get on. Next stop, Picton.

Peace

D

XXXX

Wednesday 18 March 2009

Lake Wow-po

The last time I left you guys we were just leaving FO PA, our next destination being Lake Taupo. The relatively short drive to the lake was as stunning as ever. We were both amazed at how clear the water was in the great lake and I loved the drive along the lakeshore, not minding the twists and turns. I fell in love with Taupo before we even made it to the town centre. It was such a quaint town and had so many bars, restaurants and cafes overlooking the lake. Definitely a town too, none of this "city" claim. I think I have figured it out over here now. At home, an area is deemed a city due to its population or whether it has a cathedral. Here in NZ it seems that for a place to be a city it needs a Starbucks. No Starbucks? - Town. Even if there are 40 coffee shops, and the Kiwis do take their coffee very seriously, you’re a town. We had a bit of time before we could check into our 5 star, yes – 5 star campsite so we headed out of town to the local area to see the sites.

First stop was Huka Falls. The only river to actually leave Lake Taupo is the Waikato. It’s NZs longest river and holds a shed load of water. The full force of this river heads over Huka Falls. It’s only about a 10-foot drop but the sheer volume of water heading over the falls is immense! It’s Niagara loud! We didn’t stop very long, just to take a few snaps really, as it was very crowded. Something we hadn’t experienced since Auckland. We then headed over to the Craters of the moon geothermal park. A large area which had open sulphur vents spewing eggy steam and bubbling mud pools. It was no Rotorua which is apparently NZ’s premier geothermal area but I had fun constantly accusing Kate of the eggy whiffs.

We then checked into our campsite, got hooked up then walked the short 2km back into town. We passed a bungy jumping centre on the cliff tops and stood and watched a rather large lady take the plunge. It was fairly funny and the cliffs helped well in echoing her chubby screams. We decided there and then that bungy jumping wasn’t for us. It’s not the height or the jumping off headfirst (although I’d prefer to stand and jump) but it’s the recoil and that massive wrench in the stomach. No, we will probably give that one a miss.

When we got to town we instead booked up some more serene activities like Kayaking and a boat cruise out to some Moari carvings hidden in the northern corner of the lake. We stopped for lunch and explored the main drag and the small roads that bisected it. I loved the fact that everything was so central, it was such an easy place to wander around in. We then walked back to our campsite.

This was our first experience of a 5 star campsite but to be honest I wasn’t sure what to expect. Cleaner facilities? More toilets maybe? Or more polite insects in the showers? It turned out that all 5 star really means is that the reception area is very swish and that everything is well lit at night when you’re stumbling off to the toilet at 3am. We were dangerously close to the kids playground and feared we would be distracted by joyful laughs and screams from bastard kids enjoying their holidays but it was fine. We even saw NZs largest jumping pillow! We first encountered these in Wanganui and I couldn’t help put have a bounce on it. They are a cross between a trampoline and a bouncy castle. They rule! If I win the lottery I swear to god I’m getting one. And it’ll eclipse NZs largest.

That night I had to make a call back home. It appears I still owe Honda some money as they lost a cheque I sent them before we came away. It being an 0870 number my mobile refused to let me dial it so with the complimentary phone cards the helpful IEP people gave us in Auckland I headed off into the night to find a phone box. It was very easy to find what with it being a 5 star resort and everything being lit up. The downside of everything being so well lit is that it has a tendency to attract things like moths. When I entered the phone box it was almost like doing a bush tucker trial on ‘I’m a celebrity get me outta here!’ I had never seen so many moths in one place at once. It made the butterfly house at Syon Park look like a deserted NZ beach in winter! Not being squeamish, I got on with the job in hand, managing to realise my phonecard didn’t work before getting it stuck in the phone and losing it forever. DOH! Oh well, plan B then.

The next day we headed back into town for a spot of late breakfast before heading over to the hole in one golf challenge. It was a tiny island with 3 golf holes on and you got a bucket of balls, if you made a hole in one you won 5 grand! I had a go and, considering I hadn’t touched a golf club for 5 months I did alright. I’m not 5 grand richer but I hit the little island a few times and was impressed with my ball striking. We then left to catch our steamboat cruise out to the Moari carvings. The lake was so clear and eerily still but the sun was out and the scenery was, as ever, stunning. We passed small towns with houses perched high on the cliffs overlooking the lake and listened as our guide told us how much some of them were and which celebrities owned them. A really shit looking one was owned by Rod Stewart but he had never actually visited it. I wasn’t at all surprised as it just looked like a stretched greenhouse to me! We got to the carvings which were pretty impressive until the guide spoilt it by saying that the carvings were done by a bunch of stoned Maoris. I thought they were pretty good. I did think at one point I spotted one of the faces with a spliff in the corner of his mouth but it turned out to be a branch from a nearby tree. We headed back after and had a nice long soak in the hot tub at our site which helped soothe many aching bones. The type of aches you can only really get from sleeping in a cramped little van.

We both awoke all very excited the next morning as we were really looking forward to our kayaking trip on the mighty Waikato river. Our enthusiasm was quashed a little when we saw the weather. It was tipping it down and the temperature had easily dropped 10 degrees. We were gonna be getting wet anyway so we ventured off to meet our kayak guide. It looked as though the weather had scared a few punters off as only Kate and myself were there to greet our guide. Pretty cool as it meant we got his full attention. Neither of us had kayaked since we were kids and were a little dubious about heading toward the Huka falls. We got onto our kayaks and slowly let the current take us down river. We didn’t really need to paddle, only to avoid the trees and right ourselves so we were facing the right way. Kate crashed into me incessantly but it didn’t bother me as the water was super clear and the scenery again, stunning. We stopped off at the point where the bungy jump centre was but it appeared that the weather had scared them away too. We then headed a bit further down and stopped at a point where a natural hot spring enters the river. We moored up our kayaks, stripped down to our swimming cozzies and took the plunge. The guide reckoned I should dive into the river off this rock so I duly obliged. I hadn’t realised how fast the river was moving and as I surfaced again I was already 10 feet away from where I entered the river. I made it over to the hot spring area and we sat for a good 20 minutes relaxing. It was a very weird feeling though as you were constantly buffeted with waves of both icy cold and steaming hot water. The guide said he called it schizophrenic water. We then jumped in our kayaks again just as the heavens truly opened. Proper tropical rain. We made it to the point of no return and managed to moor up with no problems even though the guide kept telling us that if we fucked up we were basically dead as the Huka falls were just a bit further downstream. I think he was joking. We survived though and the shower back at our site was super appreciated.

We left Taupo the next morning. We had originally been keen to sky dive but what with our financial situation and not knowing where all our money seems to be going we decided to put it on hold until we are back in the north island at the end of the year. Taupo is the cheapest place to sky dive and it’s over some stunning scenery but we are gonna be patient. We haven’t bottled it, yet.

Kate drove the next leg to Palmerston North. A city for sure as it had a Starbucks. Palmerston North hasn’t really got anything of note to talk about except that we saw more ducks in the tiny pond in the park then we saw on the whole of Lake Taupo. Palmerston North was only really a stopover to break up the long journey to Wellington and where I sit as I type this.

We plan to stay here for around 5 days before catching the ferry over to the south (and some say better) island. Shit, if the scenery over there is any better, then I think my eyes will explode! Chat soon.

Peace

D

xxxx

Saturday 14 March 2009

FO PA






I have commented in a previous blog entry how bad some of the roads are here in NZ. It’s difficult to describe them sometimes. There was a commercial on TV before we came away for Peugeot. It was a guy using his sat nav to get to Glasgow but the sat nav was directing him in the opposite direction. In the end he arrived at the top of this valley with his sat nav saying, “enjoy.” Before him lay the Scottish highlands with a twisted gnarly piece of road. That is what it is like here. Not in the highlands, but pretty much everywhere. Don’t get me wrong there are some very dull straight roads here too but on the whole a lot of them are winding and hilly. We have also come across a new road sign out here that reads “WASHOUT.” Now I always assumed that was when something was cancelled. Here though a washout sign means that ahead a part of the road has collapsed and slid away! So not only is it pretty scary driving a 3-ton boat along these winding, twisted, hilly tracks, but also we now realise that the road below us could literally collapse and disappear down a steep hill or cliff at any moment. Great. All adds to the excitement I suppose. The reason I’m harping on about roads is that the drive from Wanganui to the national park was pretty sketchy in places but we made it fairly safely. Unlike a car we saw the other day which was being hoisted from a river by a huge crane. Looks like the driver lost it on a bend and ended up plummeting down a 40 foot slope head first into a river. Have seen quite a few accidents since we’ve been here. Probably due to the difficult roads and to the fact that a lot of Kiwis drive like knobs.

Wanganui was a pretty quiet town. Not a great deal to do that didn’t involve the large brown river that cuts through the “city.” We stayed there 2 nights and the only highlights were the 8km round trip to the pub that was closed, and discovering that NZ DVDs play on our laptop. Even a trip to the cinema to see Watchmen was average. I liked it though but the extreme violence and explicit gore shocked Kate. What’s wrong with a man getting both arms cut off with an angle grinder? Although I quite liked Wanganui I was quite keen to move on to the National Park and in particular Whakapapa.

Now, in Moari, as I may have mentioned, ‘wh’ is pronounced as ‘f’ so using that logic we are actually staying in the mountain resort of “Fucka- papa.” Serious. The locals don’t even crack a smile when they say it! Now, again, using similar logic, the term of endearment “Muthafucka” is usually shortened to “MO FO” therefore I have started to refer to Whakapapa as “FO PA.” It’s also a lot easier to type. Fo pa is in the shadow of 3 mountains. The only pronounceable being Ruapehu. The others all have way too many vowels and result in a face full of spit when someone talks to you about them. They are all active volcanoes too but the last eruption was only 2 years ago so I’m sure we’ll be fine. One of the unpronounceable volcanoes was actually Mt Doom in the Lord of the Rings films. The others were also in the movie too but not really being a big fan of LOTR, I couldn’t tell you where.

In winter Fo Pa is a lively ski resort. Not sure how really as there are only 2 hotels and a campsite here. You can drive right up to the bottom of the chairlifts though so I imagine people don’t really stay here but commute in from local towns. In the summer it’s an awesome place to go tramping (hiking) so me and Kate have ventured off for a few tramps while we’ve been here. We did a 3-hour loop yesterday to go and see odd coloured rapids called silica rapids then did a 2-hour loop today taking in Taranaki waterfalls. I must admit that it is beautiful here. Lush heath land and green pine forests all under the shadow of a snow-capped mountain on one side and a huge black volcano on the other. There is also a real mix of people here. I’ve seen some pretty serious outdoor types with their expensive hiking boots, massive ruck sacks and some with rifles strapped to them to people hiking about in flip flops (or jandals as they are called here) and hoodies. Kate and I sort of fall in between the two. I have hiking boots but also wear a hoody and spend most my time blowing bubbles (with bubble gum) and slapping Kate on the bum to speed her up. Kate just sort of grunts a lot and turns bright red after a few hundred metres.

Although Fo Pa is no bigger than a few buildings and a campsite, you can still buy yourself a hot pie. I am amazed with the Kiwis obsession with pies. Back home you can buy yourself a hot pie in only a few locations. Restaurants not included I can only really think of a bakery, a wild bean café and at a football ground. Here there is meat wrapped in pastry everywhere! The local corner shop, every garage and supermarket stock hot pies. In Auckland you can’t walk past more than 5 shops without the smell of pastry hitting you. Not that I’m complaining. I love pies. Look at me, I’m not exactly svelte. I have eaten my fair share of pies and pasties. What surprises me though is that Kiwis aren’t all 50 stone. Yes, the Moaris are pretty hefty but I haven’t yet seen any of them walking down the street tucking into a steak and cheese pie. But for near enough every shop and convenience store to sell pies, they must shift a few. So many of the Kiwis I have seen and spoke to pride themselves on being fit outdoor types and to be fair, most of them look in top shape. So who eats all these bloody pies?

Along side a lot of the pies in the numerous hot glass cabinets I have also noticed a sort of orange looking thing. Kind of like those old Findus crispy pancakes you got when you were a kid. On further inspection I noticed too that they were called lasagne. Odd, I thought until I tried one. They are so lush! It is basically a Findus crispy pancake stuffed with pasta, bolognese and cheese. Don’t really sound appetising eh? Just try one. You’ll be hooked. I had hoped to loose a bit of weight while I was here but I’ve already had a lamb and mint pie for breakfast and a lasagne for lunch today. Just trying to soak up the 9 pints of lager from last night though.

So, we are heading further north tomorrow to Lake Taupo. The biggest lake in NZ and also the home of the most sky dives in the world. They do around 30,000 jumps a year there. It’d be stupid to go to the skydiving capital of the world and not do it, wouldn’t it? Kate is not convinced. I’ll let you know how we get on.

Peace

D

XXXX

Monday 9 March 2009

Van Life

Greetings from the seaside town of New Plymouth. Famous for having a huge ass mountain called Mt Taranaki (or Egmont, to use it’s anglophile name) and er, not much else. It’s ok here though. We have used the time we’ve been here to chill out and sort out a few dilemmas we have had. Such as, what to do about hair cuts?

I have only ever had 2 people cut my hair. One was my auntie Louise who used to be a hairdresser and has cut my hair for as long as I remember and the other was my mum. When I was young, believe it or not, I had quite long luscious brown curls. I was a bit funny though about people touching, brushing and definitely pulling my hair so my mum one day, tired of my whinging every time she tried to brush my matted curls, decided to just chop the lot off. I think it made my Nan cry when she saw me running around as a skinhead. Not because of the hairstyle and the connotations of being a skinhead in the early 80’s but because I no longer had fluffy brown curls to make me look like a gay!

So my dilemma was what happens here in NZ when I need a haircut? At first I thought that I would just grow it out. I wear a hat all the time anyway so who cares? Well, apparently Kate is quite fond of me with short hair and didn’t like it the last time I grew it out and started wearing truck stop hats and skateboard trainers. One answer was to use the many shearing stations they have dotted around here. NZ is famous for having nearly 10 sheep for every one person that lives here (well, it used to. They prefer cows here now), plus my surname used to be Woolley so the sheep shearers probably wouldn’t think twice. We decided that it probably wasn’t going to be a good idea to get my hair cut by some thick Kiwi called Dave who constantly smelt of Sheep’s wee and would cut my hair in about 7 seconds, slap me on the arse and send me out into a field. They have plenty of hairdressers out here but they charge around $40 for a haircut. Sod that I thought, considering I get my haircut every couple of months. We decided then to invest in some clippers of our own. Kate was as happy as a sandbag (as my old hairdressing Auntie once said) when she found out she would be cutting my hair for the next X amount of months. I must admit I was a bit scared. We all know, after all, that she is her father’s daughter and has inherited some of his unco-ordinatedness, his lack of spatial awareness and his clumsiness. I didn’t have much choice though so said a little prayer, took a long last look at my ears (just in case) and bit the bullet.

To be fair Kate did a blinding job. Well, I think she did. Most of my hair is on the back of my head so I can’t tell if she has done a great job or in fact shaved the word "TWAT" into it. Like I said though, I wear a hat a lot anyway, and will probably even more so now.

So anyway, the only real things to do in New Plymouth are surf (done that) or go tramping. No, that doesn’t mean wandering around town beating up hoboes, it means hiking. We had planned to do a bit of tramping on the south island but when we decided to come to Taranaki we thought we’d get our hiking boots out a bit early and make the most of the good weather. We drove up to the visitor centre on Mt Taranaki, which Biff didn’t like at all! Lots of twisty turning roads with big drops. Poor Biff didn’t venture out of second gear for most of it. When we got there we got our kit on and wandered off along the trails. We thought we’d just do some easy 1-hour loops first to ease our way in. We blitzed the first loop in 30 mins then blitzed the second in the same time. Was quite tired after that so decided to call it a day and head back to our campsite in New Plymouth. Hmmm, tramping was ok I guess. Quite tiring and very muggy, sort of like walking up and down lots of stairs in a rainforest really, which I guess is exactly what we did. Burned a few calories though which is all good. Shame that Mt Taranaki’s peak was shrouded in cloud as I hear it’s as impressive as Mt Fuji in Japan, although I bet it was a Kiwi who said that.

Life in the van is OK. We’ve been in Biff now for over a week and we’re starting to get into little patterns of putting the bed away and getting breakfast ready. One thing I have noticed is that I am peeing so much this week. This either means I am losing weight or have suddenly become Diabetic. Hopefully it’s that I’m losing weight. Well, I only mention this because one of the things about van life is the logistical nightmare of going for a wee. You have to get dressed for starters, then wander bleary eyed off to the toilet block and pee with about a thousand insects watching you. Oh, and another 1000 trying to eat you! It has meant though that as I have staggered off to the toilets at 1, 4 and 6am I have seen the most amazing skies. Big moons lighting up clouds with cool breezes blowing and more stars than you can imagine. But hey, that’s enough about wee.

I think calling our van Biff was a stroke of genius, and also very relevant. Especially since I biff my head at least 20 times a day. Biff is a high top van, which means there is easily 6 feet of height in the back. Unfortunately I am 6’ 3" so those top 3 inches get bashed about a bit on Biffs lights, door frames, shelves and awnings.

Still, van life is great. In fact there is nothing that can upset me today. Not since I have just found out that our best mate Lewy is now a daddy! Little baby Joshua was born in the early hours on the 9th of March. Congratulations guys. Kate and I are so sorry that we can’t be there to see you guys and give little Joshua a cuddle (and then wet his head). I must admit that this is the first time, of probably many times, that I have wanted to come home. To put everything on hold here, nip back for a week, see everyone then pop back here again. Why can’t they hurry up and invent teleportation? Anyway, Ian and Sheryl, we will have a crafty beer here to celebrate the new arrival of baby Joshua and look forward to some pics of the little critter. All the best guys. Good work.

Right, well we are off to Wanganui tomorrow for a few more restful days before heading inland to Lake Taupo and maybe, just maybe some ski diving (GULP!). Chat soon.

Peace

D

xxxx

Friday 6 March 2009

Abseils, gloworms and "piss - ant towns"

I thought the term “piss – ant town” had been written for Hamilton, even though it claims to be Nz’s 4th largest ‘city’. When we arrived there I thought someone was having me on by calling it a ‘city’ but to be fair it was actually very nice. It’s situated on the Waikato River, which is not exactly the Thames but is big by NZ standards. We had a few hours to kill so instead of wandering around the towns plush green parks and stroll along the Waikato river we decided to go to the cinema and watch Twilight (which was ok but has a rad soundtrack!). We did get to stroll along the main drag, which is called Victoria Street, and I was amazed at two things. One, how many restaurants and bars there were in such a short stretch of road and two, just how many pregnant women there were in Hamilton. It seemed that Hamiltonions like nothing more than to get each other pregnant! (probably after getting drunk in all those bars) I think if I ever recommend any of my midwifery colleagues to work in NZ, it’d have to be in Hamilton. We could all make a killing with a breast feeding café or a maternity clothes shop or by offering active birth classes!

We only stayed in Hamilton for one night before heading out to the coast again to a town called Kawhia. Now this was definitely a “piss – ant town!!” Kawhia consists of 2 restaurants, a bar, a general store and a petrol station. It has a population of 670 bored Kiwis! So why go there I hear you ask? Well, there is a very touristy location up on the Coromandel peninsula called Hot Water Beach and it gets very crowded. Kawhia has exactly the same phenomenon but way less crowded. Basically, just before low tide you can dig yourself a hole on the beach and hot spring water will bubble up from the sand making your own personal Oceanside, beach hot tub. We got there just after low tide and the beach was packed with over one family there, but they were just leaving, handily vacating their little hot tub. We were so tired after the long climb over the sand dunes that by the time we got to the hot tub we just popped our toes into it, took some pictures and headed back. It was cool, well warm really but we were just too damn tired and a big ass storm was hitting.

We left Kawhia very quickly the next morning hoping to avoid the rush hour but unluckily got stuck slap-bang in the middle of it! How can a “piss – ant town” possibly have a rush hour? Easy when the local farmer is transporting about a thousand sheep along the main highway!! Nah, it was actually quite amusing and fascinating to watch the farmer send his sheep dogs off to get random sheep that had strolled off into someone’s garden to munch on some marigolds or got themselves stuck in a ditch.

So yesterday we arrived here in Waitomo. Not quite a “piss – ant town” but bloody close. Waitomo is famous for having this awesome cave system, which are inhabited, in places, by gloworms. You can also do lots of other cave-related things like rock climbing, abseiling, pot holing, caving, underground zip lines and black water rafting. We decided to book ourselves a package that pretty much had everything but was also quite cheap. Cheap, as we found out, meant actually zero luxuries and a moody fucking guide called Neil. He was from England so I thought we’d all have a laugh taking the piss out of the two French blokes in our 6-man group but Neil turned out to be a total dick! He was very impatient and you could see that he had lost a lot of his enthusiasm for his job. That said, our lives were quite literally in his hands so I decided to not call him a dick to his face. The trip started with suiting up. Cheap also meant really manky smelly wetsuits and helmets, but hey, we were about to go 100 metres underground, we were probably gonna get a bit mucky. Once we were all suited up we had the usual safety lectures. It was funny though as Neil let us do all the line attaching. Usually, when I have caved or abseilled before, the guides are very particular about attaching you to safety lines and abseil ropes. After a few little practices down a hillside Neil selected me to be the first to do the big 30-metre abseil. He said he could see that I knew what I was doing. Me, who had abseiled twice in my life and been caving once, and with a kick ass hang over at the time so it shouldn’t really count, surely? Well, I connected my various ropes to my various hook things and while I was psyching myself up for the big drop in, Neil asked me to sit down. I assumed he meant on the edge of the platform overhanging the drop but when I sat I was suspended off the floor already. For me the scariest thing about abseiling is actually leaning backwards over the drop but in this case I went over already suspended. It was way cool. I soon whizzed down the drop at break neck speed using my feet to protect myself from the rock face. I landed very gracefully, unhooked all my ropes and made my way to the waiting area to watch Kate make her descent.

I couldn’t really see her going over the edge but laughed as I saw her bouncy off the rock face with her arse! She landed with a bit of a thud but had a big smile on her face. We then waited for the rest of the group. Neil had obviously had enough of the slow French guy at the back and basically let him just drop down the rock face. He survived though, darn!

After we had all congregated at the waiting area, Neil instructed us to collect our big rubber inner tubes (for black water rafting) and for me to lead everyone into the cave. It was stunning! The cold water was up to my chin in places but I managed to find mostly shallow spots for the guys following me. We waded along for a while before reaching a dead end. We all waited for Neil but after about 5 minutes I wondered if we had lost him. I took the leadership role and decided to lead everyone back a little to where I could see Neils headlamp off in the distance. When we got back to Neil he had a right go at us for leaving our guide! Prick! What was I supposed to do? He told me to go so I did. I made sure we all stayed together but he was bringing up the rear and made no indication for us to stop. I think he was trying to teach us a lesson about staying with your guide but all it did for me was reinforce the fact that the guy was a complete wanker!

We then all got on our rubber rings, turned our headlamps off and floated out past all the gloworms. Not always facing the right direction, and for my fat arse, not always upright! They are so amazing and it’s such a shame that I couldn’t bring my bad ass camera! I’m sure it has a special function for photographing glowing subterranean fungus gnat larvae. Ok, maybe not. Anyway, we continued on our way, floating along or getting off for some of the faster rapids and wading along through the water. We left our rubber tubes at one spot and continued further into the cave. So far that there were no more gloworms. Instead Neil decided we should try to squeeze ourselves through some little holes. All good mucky fun, except the super skinny hole that me and Kate weren’t able to squeeze through. We then stopped for a warm glass of Ribena and a chunk of Diary milk. Man, I haven’t had warm Ribena since I was a kid and seem to remember only being given it if I was ill. The chocolate was good though.

After our impromptu lunch we headed back to the spot we were all dropped into the cave system for our ascent back up. We all had to watch as Neil showed us how the 30-metre rock climb should be done. Kate was a bit sceptical about it, especially since it was quite high, she had never really rock climbed before, the rocks were wet and she was wearing white wellies which were full of water. Amazingly though she made it up with no problems at all. I was very proud as we all know that even though Kate is at the peak of health and physical fitness (ahem!); she sometimes just can’t be arsed!

I scampered up and just as I was getting into my stride, made it to the top. We then all waited for the other girl in our group, a mardy Estonian cow who had the right hump cos she had earlier twisted her ankle but hadn’t really get into the spirit of the day. She took her time but I just didn’t care. We were perched on a rocky edifice, overlooking stunning fauna hanging over an amazing cave. As I said to Neil, “nice office.” He even managed to break a smile, the miserable twat!

We now stink of cave and sweaty wetsuit even though we have both had two showers! Hopefully we will smell a bit more palatable by the time we get to our next stop, New Plymouth.

Peace

D

XXXX

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Surfing like Jesus

Hello from Hamilton in the middle of the north island, about 100 kms from Auckland. We have just had an awesome few days in Raglan, which is on the west coast, 30kms from Hamilton. Raglan is a surfing mecca, apparently. It was featured in some film back in the 70's and has really reliable waves and is a real laid back surfy town. We stayed in a holiday park on the beach which was way cool. It was our first time actually staying in Biff but it was all fine. The only thing of any note about the holiday park was the toilets. They were an entomologists wet dream!! The first night i went to use the showers i shared them with a grasshopper, 4 beetles and a ton of moths. They didn't bother me though, even when i tried to shower them down the plug hole! The awesome sunset made up for it though. (i will post some sunset pics soon as i have nearly enough for a whole Facebook album!)

The first day we were there we walked into town, crossing a big bridge over the harbour. Tons of kids, some as young as 4 (with arm bands on - FFS!) were jumping off the bridge into the sea below. It was a good 20 feet drop. I was super tempted to give at a go but Kate vetoed it, oh and i didn't have my swimming shorts either. Got some cool pics of a kid jumping out of a tree into the harbour too. The town of Raglan has a population of 2700 peeps so it was dead quiet. Lots of little cafes, bars and surf shops which we explored. We also booked ourselves some surf lessons for the following day.

It was a pretty rough night in Biff. His bed is really comfortable and there is tons of room but for some reason i didn't really sleep. It was going to be my excuse too if i sucked at surfing. The surf school came and picked us up and transported us to our class room near Whale Bay, just up the coast from Raglan. After about half an hour of classroom talk i felt pretty confident I'd find surfing a piece of piss. We then jumped back in the van and headed to the beach. We got wet suited up, grabbed our boards, had a few last practice 'pops' on the beach then all ran off into the surf. I got lulled into a false sense of security nearly straight away. My first wave was cool. I just rode it in on my belly before falling off about 20 metres from the beach but my next wave i actually stood up and rode the wave all the way in! On my Second wave!! The instructor spotted this and ordered me to swap boards with Kate. So Kate gave me her little board and that was that. It took me another hour before i stood up again and rode a wave. The smaller board was way less stable and the deck was real slippy. I watched Kate for a while and she wasn't fairing much better than me, falling off nearly every time she tried to stand. I did see her ride one wave in and we all gave her a cheer. I then watched her a bit later and, i don't know how she did it, but she rode in a wave standing with her feet together, facing the shore with both arms out, pretty much the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do. She totally looked like Jesus Christ on the cross, but on a surfboard. I damn near pee'd my wetsuit! It looked so funny! She made it though and the hours of ribbing i gave her later didn't seem to remove that fact.

After a few hours surfing we headed out to the deeper water but we were all knackered by now and all fell off a lot. It was good fun though and definitely something i would do again. I ache like a BEE-ATCH today though. Can't turn my head and my shoulders and back are super stiff. Oddly it feels like i have broken my pinky toe on my right foot too. I'll live though.

So, we are in Hamilton now. Just relaxing this afternoon, gonna have a meal later then head back out to the coast tomorrow to Kawhia. We're there for one night then we head over to Waitomo. They have the glow worm caves there but we might do some abseiling and black water rafting (floating along underground rapids!). Should be fun.

Sunday 1 March 2009

The real adventure begins...................

So today is the last day we have at Danny and Catherines in Whangarei. Tonight will be our first night sleeping in Biff. Sounds kinda rude but I'm really looking forward to it. We will miss being at Danny and Catherines though. They have been awesome and have shown us some amazing things this last week. We will miss the food. Catherine has cooked us a few meals and Danny is pretty good with the BBQ. It's pot noodles and pasta for the next few months for us! It's kinda tricky cooking a roast dinner on a piddly little hob and a microwave. Might be good for our waist lines though. We'll miss just sitting out on their deck with a few beers watching the sunset over the hills and the harbour.

But, most of all, we will miss the fart competitions. We watched a British documentary the other day called "I can't stop farting" about these people who have excessive gas and how it affects their every day lives. It said that the average person only trumps 5-10 times a day which i thought was quite low. So, we decided to have a competition to see if we could beat the average between the 4 of us. I won the day with 14 trumps but our group average was 9. Danny let me down with only a measly 7 pumps. I thought the big guy would be like me, a sophisticated fart robot.

We had a good day yesterday. Danny and Catherine are volunteer snorkel guides at the local Marine reserve. They have an initiative here to introduce kids and locals into the sea life in the local waters. Gives awareness and aids conservation. So we met them in the morning and headed out for a bit of more snorkeling. Visibility was poor due to the monsoon from the previous few days which had churned up lots of silt. The girls did see a 6 foot wide sting ray though and Danny and Catherine saw a 8 foot wide sting ray called Raymond. It was awesome. We then had a BBQ on the beach and spent the rest of the day relaxing.

We head off to Auckland today to collect our post, then head on to a place called Raglan on the west coast. It's a town famous for surfing so we're gonna give it a try. Wish us luck.

Might be a while before another blog as not sure when we will get online again.

Peace

D

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